


In the name of love

by sherllycolmpels



Series: Letters to John [4]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Episode: s02e01 A Scandal in Belgravia, HE LOVES JOHN SO MUCH, Letter, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Romance, Sherlock is a Mess, Sherlock is in Love, Tragic Romance, but he is the point of this fic, emotional mess, john is also only mentioned, she is not the point of this fic, the woman in only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 18:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11492025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherllycolmpels/pseuds/sherllycolmpels
Summary: Sherlock went back home after hearing John and the woman talking. He went back home to his room, too overwhelmed with his emotions. It wasn't one sided. John loved him, too.





	In the name of love

Dear John,

I'm writing sad music. I don't eat, I barely speak. You were right. I am heartbroken, but not for the reasons you have in mind.

I am heartbroken because I was thinking for months that my emotions were one sided, that you couldn't love a freak like me. Because, who could love someone like me? 

I'm heartbroken because I was pinning for you for months, waiting for you to notice me, to see me, yet you kept on dating women, you kept on ignoring me. 

I'm heartbroken because the woman knew. She knew the moment she laid her eyes upon me what I am, what I feel for you. I'm heartbroken because she tricked both of us for so long. 

I'm heartbroken because I almost lost you in this madness. I put you in danger, again. I promised to myself I won't let it happen again, yet I did. 

I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to ask more than I can get. I want to keep lying to myself, telling that your safety is enough, that having you by my side in a platonic way is enough as long as you're safe. I could lie to myself as long as I believed this was one sided. I don't know how longer I'll be able to act that way anymore. Now that I know. 

John, I can't understand your emotions for me, but as much as I hate to admit it - I'm only human, a breathing living soul, and I am weak. I'm weak because of you. And believe me, my love, there's nothing I want other than acting upon my feelings. But I can't let this happen, John. I can't let us act according to them, not when Moriarty's sword is hanging above our heads. I won't let emotions cloud my thoughts again - Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side. I cant let us lose. I won't let myself doing this human error, when all I need is for you to stay safe. Especially not because of love. I imagine you think love is a mystery to me. I used to believe it's enough to understand the chemistry behind it, so I learned the chemical formula behind it - Dopamine, Serotonin and Oxytocin. Did you know it can be manufactured in a lab? Very simply in fact, in one exception - each component has to have its exact measure. Overdosing any of those hormones may cause Schizophrenia, extreme paranoia and insanity.

John, I'd go through everything for you, even the pain caused by love. Because you, John Watson, my love - you break all of my rules. You are the melody in my heart, the force that's pumping the blood through my veins, the light in my soul. You are my everything. I love you more than everything.

You are my hope, and hope is so dangerous, almost as dangerous as love. Because, when you have hope, you can also experience disappointment. And with disappointment comes loss. That's why I never let myself to hope, I never let it happen until you came.

Please remember that, John. Please remember that you are my everything, remember that I'm doing everything I do with you in mind. That's how it's been ever since we met, and this is how it'll always be. Please remember that we can't be together up until this game with Moriarty is over. Please remember that I'm playing it for you, for us. So we can have a future together.

I was a lost man and I only found myself through us meeting, through my feelings to you, thanks to your existence. Let me keep us safe, John, and I promise you one day we'll be together. We'll be together and never let go.

\- Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

> This letter is a mess. It's a mess both because I'm a mess and I think Sherlock would be a mess after realising John loved him all along. John loves him, but there's nothing he can do about it atm. 
> 
> As always, kudos/bookmarks/comments make my day. You have no idea how much it means to me, so please - Let me know if you liked it in any form of way! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and sticking with me along this series. I cherish every feedback I get from yall and I love each and every one of you *hugs*


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